(Superman with rocket launchers growing out of his back, laser feet and anti-gravity powers to hurl bits of rock.)

DC Comics has some of the WORST heroes ever. Sometimes I wonder if they were originally imagined up at age 5, and then the creators didn't bother putting any new thought into them when they developed art and writing skills. I really wonder how those creative processes played out, so I have written up some scenarios for which I was not present but are totally true.

Superman:

"Hey, let's come up with a hero to start off this comic company."
"Yeah, what can we call him."
"Well, he'll be like the best superhero ever. And he'll be crazy amazing."
"Yeah, how about Really Cool Man"
"Come on. Seriously? Sounds like you're not even trying. He's gotta be MORE than really cool. Like SUPER cool!"
"Superman!"
"Hell yeah!"
"Ok, what are his powers."
"Dude, he's super. His powers are EVERYTHING!"
"Oh. My. God. You sweat pure genius. That's the superest thing anybody has ever thought up."
"Thank You."
"How about a secret weakness that nobody knows about except everyone that Superman comes into contact with which is a super rare, nearly non-existent material that everyone has?"
"I was just thinking that!"
"Holy crap! This is so good. Let's get pens and paper quick!"

Green Lantern:

"Ok, we need to roll out a new comic series with a new hero. Got any ideas?"
"Um how about a guy that has EVERY power EVER thought up?"
"We already did that. Superman."
"Right. Ok, how about this: An intergalactic species that protects the galaxy from bad things selects a human to protect Earth and stuff. So they give him a super ring that gives him powers to protect humanity."
"I like where you're going here. So what kind of powers does this ring give him."
"EVERYTHING!"
"Dude, we totally already did that."
"No, this is totally different. See, the ring gives him the powers, they're not within him. And he has to think of the powers himself and it's driven by his will. So he has to have like major will power."
"That is so amazing... If only I had a magic ring for not eating pizza everyday."

Batman: - Note that I actually really like Batman

"Ok, this one's going to be different. I'm thinking a gadgeteer of sorts."
"Erm, ok... I think I can run with that. Seems a little geeky though, don't you think? How about we make him do something cool like martial arts too."
"Oh, I like that. Sort of a well-rounded type. A little nerdy, a little cool, a lot of AWESOME. So what martial arts does he know?"
"Let's make him an expert like 10th degree black belt in EVERYTHING!"
"Oh my God. That's so hard core!"
"How about his gadgets? What kinds of gadgets does he have? What can he do with them?"
"Well, I was going to make him a bajillionaire with his own private inventor that works for his family's company, but really just invents cool crap for him to use to beat up villains and nothing else while nobody at the company wonders why this guy gets paid ungodly sums of money for being antisocial and hiding in his invention chamber all day without ever actually producing anything that anybody sees. So, in short, he has EVERY gadget that has ever been or will ever be invented and they allow him to do EVERYTHING!"
"Dude, stop. I have a comic erection."

Beastboy:

"Dude, I've been reading a lot about werewolves lately. They're super sweet. We should do a hero like that."
"Cool, but we can't just do a werewolf. I mean, they ARE super sweet, but they're totally not original."
"Totally. We can do some other kind of shape-shifter."
"Yeah, but what do we want him to change into?"
"EVERYTHING!"

Captain Marvel:

"Another one?"
"Yup. I saw this way awesome D&D figurine that I just HAVE to buy, but I'm broke. Time to make some more money."
"Ok, but let's try something a little edgier. I hear some of our more picky readers saying that we're getting formulaic. We need something to spice up this new hero."
"Ok, well let's get to the powers first."
"Alright. Well, I think that's obvious."
"Absolutely. But this time how about we create this like SuperGod. He'll like totally have EVERY power of EVERY super sweet God that was ever thought up."
"Holy crap! How do you do that!?"
"I know, right? But this SuperGod guy... Um we'll call him Shazam which is an acronym for Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, Mercury... And he's like all getting old and stuff so he needs a successor."
"Holy crap. Shazam!? That's FREAKING AWESOME!!!"
"I know! And here's the part where we wake our readers back up. He picks some ordinary, everyday kid to give his powers. And the way he does it is by saying the old guy's name! Get it?"
(Simultaneously) "SHAZAM!!!"

Then there are the really lame superheroes:

Aquaman:

"Hey, isn't that your cousin over there?"
"Oh crap, yeah. Dang it! He saw us. That guy is so lame. I don't even know how he got a job at DC. He makes the worst heroes EVER!"
"Hey guys!"
"Uh... Hey... How's it going..."
"Great! Did you hear about the new comic I'm working on? The hero's name is Aquaman. He's the super sweetest ever!"
"Uh, yeah cool. So does he like have super sweet water powers or something?"
"No. Dang, I didn't even think of that. Actually he just hangs out in the water and can breath under water and swim really fast and talk to animals."
"Like lions and bears and tigers and stuff!?"
"Oh no. Like dolphins and puffer fish."
"..."
"Dude, he's so awesome. I mean, he could like swim up a waterfall he's such a good swimmer. And if you like tried to hurt him and there was an electric eel nearby, watch out! Hey... Where are you guys going?"

The Flash:

"Crap. There he is. How does your cousin always find us?"
"I don't know. I'm thinking of breaking his legs in his sleep."
"Hey guys! Why are you both sitting behind this dumpster?"
"Oh uh, well, I lost one of my contacts."
"I didn't know you wore contacts."
"Oh I don't, that's why it's so hard to find..."
"Right on. So have you heard of my new hero? He's the FLASH! The super sweetest new superhero you could possibly imagine."
"So does he have like some kind of cool lightning powers? Or does he like shoot yellow fire balls out of his eyes or something?"
"No, he just runs super fast. Like nobody could catch him. Like even on camera in SUPER slow motion, he's just a blur."
"So... Nobody can catch him? That's his super power?"
"Totally! I mean like if a super villain wanted to hurt him, he could run away. If there was like a massive explosion, he could run away. If he was walking down the street and somebody accidentally dropped something out of their window, he could run away. I mean, how awesome is that!?"
"What if somebody wanted to hurt him in his sleep?"